I was alone that evening when I spoke out loud the words for the first time : “Am I crazy? ”. The echo of my voice in the office took me by surprise and unsettled me. Hearing these words so clearly even though they were tainted with a mixture of doubt and something that I hated naming: fear, made me shiver. Was this question finally the explanation to behaviours that I didn’t understand?
“Am I the crazy one here? Or is something terribly wrong?”.
I am a short woman, 5 foot 2, even though I am an introverted person and I cherish solitude, I smile quite a fair bit, I probably radiate non-threatening, maybe nurturing even.
Three years ago I embarked in an incredible adventure in the shape of a new mandate. The job demanded that I tap into sources of energy and resilience that I had barely scratched before. I had never processed so much information so quickly, some of it trivial, some of it extremely complex, I had never interacted with so many people before and I reached an unpreceded level of constant alert. The start and end of the mandate in question were pretty clear, this helped me to focus since I knew that by construction this particular investment of my time would come to an end. I was given an opportunity of doing something great for myself and for others and I was determined to make the most of it.
In previous articles I wrote about “trust” and “decision making” and while these elements are almost constants of nature they were particularly important during this mandate.
Given the complexity of the project that I was involved in and the speed at which things were evolving it was impossible to make a decision after having processed “everything”, for everything was an ill defined running target.
I have seen many women myself included suffer from a common problem, the ability to feel comfortable to discuss and speak up about a given topic is is only attainable after having studied the topic in question a lot, and a lot in this case meaning “everything”, and everything includes all references, footnotes and possibly associated literature.
My fellow dudes [note to self consider including appropriate precautions to not be labeled a total misandre…or not], can speak up even if they know fuck all about a given topic. Now I will never advocate for such a behaviour, the world is plagued with misinformation and superficial knowledge enough as it is, but I will give credit where credit is due, grasping “enough” to be able to move forward is sometimes all that is required and having studied “everything”, and everything including all references, footnotes and possibly associated literature is sometimes not necessary dare I say I luxury one can not afford.
I read somewhere that "I think, therefore I am" from dearest Descartes ought to be translated as “I Doubt, Therefore I Am”.
Let’s let this sink in for a moment.
Doubt is an essential element in the scientific method. Doubt does imply mistrust, doubt is to question what is the status quo, to open up the possibility of establishing what is next. Scientific progress has never been a straightforward path and I was lucky enough to grow up in an environment that taught me from a very young age to doubt and question. But I digress.
“Am I crazy?” I asked myself out loud.
What triggered this specific question was a series of close events that made me question my sanity, describing all of them would be tedious and beyond the point but If I had to sketch them for your dear reader, it would sound a little like:
“You can’t do X”.
“It’s not your role to act on X.”
“It’s not under your responsibility to do X”
“How can you not know X?”
“Why do you ask questions about X?”
“Why do you care about X?”
“You should not write what you want/think in emails”
and my personal favorite:
“Your decisions are obscure”
….and I started to doubt myself. Obscure? What does obscure even mean here? Could it be a lack of clarity? Could it because I didn’t study reference number forty two ? Could it be a flaw in communication? It could have been a million things. Or… was it one simple thing all along?
While the arguments occurred only in the work environment, the nature of the attacks was very personal and violent; they certainly questioned my sanity and integrity. It was a long and painful process and it took me a while to put my finger on it, in hindsight it’s a very subtle yet sneaky nuance. In a scientific discussion or any discussion really as long as it’s healthy you may think when being confronted : “Hang on a minute you might be on to something and I might be wrong about X”. This is very straightforward, factual and allows you to go to step N+1 of your reasoning. However in a toxic environment, and this what I was subjected to, the chain of thoughts is very different. There was no intention in understanding my point of view not any attempt to enlighten said obscurity because there was no obscurity in the first place, there was no will in helping move whatever was the situation to step N+1 as this would have actually been constructive. The sole purpose was to be sent back to my obscure little place.
As I am wrapping up this piece, sipping coffee I am wondering what would be an adequate conclusion. Are thing getting better on this front? Will the Obscure woman syndrome cease to be? May yes, maybe not. Only the future will tell.
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